I am a female and a laryngectomee.
I wonder if anyone finds me attractive?
I hear the gasps.
I see the stares.
I just want to be feminine.
I am a female and a laryngectomee.

I pretend that I am just an ordinary gal.
I feel normal, until...
I touch the hole.
I worry what others are thinking.
I cry because I fear I know their thoughts.
I am a woman and a laryngectomee.

I understand that I am different.
I say that I do not care.
I dream of feeling sexy and desirable.
I try to remember who I used to be.
I hope someone can see me as a beautiful woman.
I am a female and a laryngectomee.

NEW IDEA!! Thanks to Mrs. McComas' comment, I have a new idea for this piece. I am still going to use this as the link between my genres. I am going to do this whole MRP, though, as if it were a TV special. So, here's what I am thinking: Katie is going to do a piece on her new show about during Head & Neck Cancer Awareness Week which is in April & so she is going to interview Barb. I don't know what the name of Katie's show is going to be, so I am going to have to make it up.

KATIE: Good evening everyone, and welcome to this week's edition of One on One with Katie. I am your host, Katie.

Many of you may know that this week is Head & Neck Cancer Awareness Week. All of the guests on tonight's show will be head & neck cancer survivors.

Our first guest is Barbara Smith. Barbara is a laryngeal cancer survivor.

Good evening, Barbara, so glad to have you on the show.

Barb: Thank you, it is such a pleasure to be here. It is so great that you are dedicating a show totally to Head & Neck Cancer Awareness Week!

KATIE: Well, Barbara, it is a big problem, and many of the cancers that affect the head and neck are preventable.

Barb: Yes, they sure are, Katie.

KATIE: Barb, how did you develop laryngeal cancer?

Barb: Well, my laryngeal cancer resulted from the lifestyle I led. I was a heavy smoker and drinker. I started smoking when I was 14 and drinking at 16. I thought it was so cool. All that smoking and drinking took a toll on my larynx.

KATIE: Barbara, what was like when you realized you had laryngeal cancer?

Barb: Well, when I first found out I had laryngeal cancer I thought, “How could this be happening to ME? How could I have laryngeal cancer?” I was terrified, embarassed, shocked, and even mad. I still remember the day that I went into Dr. Jones’ office. I could tell by his expressionless face that the news was not good. That’s when he told me. I can still hear his voice in my head, saying, “Mrs. Smith, you have laryngeal cancer”. I must have went into a trance or something because everything became a blurr. I remember he was still talking to me, but I could not understand the words. To me, his voice sounded like the voices of the adults’ on Charlie Brown. I spent the next few days secluded from my friends and family. I just wanted to be alone and think things through. I was only 47 years old-- too young to die. I remember blaming myself. It is hard enough to deal with cancer, but I brought on my cancer- it was all my fault!

KATIE: What kind of treatment did you undergo?

Barb: Well there are different types of treatment for laryngeal cancer, depending on the severity. Because the cancer involved a pretty large portion of my larynx, my doctor suggested a total laryngectomy.

HERE I WILL HAVE A REFERRAL LETTER FROM DR. JONES TO A SLP.

KATIE: WOW! Barb, you have really been through a lot. How did you cope when you found out that you were going to have to have a laryngectomy?

Barb: How did I cope? Well it was a big struggle. At first, I did not really know what the treatment was going to be. Dr. Jones could see how shocked I was with the news of cancer, so he scheduled another visit to discuss treatment options. It was at the visit when it hit me; I was going to have a laryngectomy! I do not know which was more difficult for me, the period before the laryngectomy, or after. Before the laryngectomy, I had so many thoughts running through my head, like “Why me, how was I going to look, and how were people going to act around me?”

HERE I WILL HAVE A JOURNAL ENTRY FROM BARB PRIOR TO THE SURGERY (Genre 4: Journal #1)

My biggest fear, next to not surviving, was my voice. I was afraid of what I would sound like. My speech-language pathologist, Jennifer, counseled me a lot, before and after the laryngectomy, which I must say made the transition a little easier, if that is possible.

HERE I WILL HAVE THE WEBLIOGRAPHY FROM THE CLINICIAN.

KATIE: And, how did you feel after the laryngectomy?

Barb: At first it was like a nightmare.

HERE I WILL HAVE A POEM WRITTEN BY BARB

Jennifer set me up with an artificial larynx right after my laryngecomy.

KATIE: Barbara, can you describe an artificial larynx for us?

Barb: Well, there are a few different kinds. Mine is the neck-type, as your see here. It kind of looks like a ---.

HERE I WILL HAVE A POWERPOINT PRESENTATION ON ARTIFICIAL LARYNGES.

KATIE: What was it like going back into the community after the laryngecomty?

Barb: At first, it was really bad. Everywhere I went people were staring. I stuck out like a sore thumb. I also felt so masculine. I felt like the surgery took away my gender, my femininity. Really, it made me feel like I was not even human. My voice sounded so electronic!

HERE I WILL HAVE A JOURNAL ENTRY FROM BARB (Genre 4: Journal #2).

I was a bit of a social butterfly, you could say, before the surgery. After, I had to make myself go places. That’s when I joined the Woman’s Club and met Jan.

Jan: Yeah, but it was a long time after I met you until we become friends.

KATIE: Why is that, Jan?

Jan: Well, I guess you could say I had a little trouble getting to know the real Barb.

Barb: A little trouble?

Jan: A lot of trouble! I could not get past “Barb the Laryngectomee”. I felt so uncomfortable around her. She was not like the other women at all! I did not know how to act or what to say around her. I had never seen a laryngectomee before. I had no idea what to say to her. I did not know if I should mention the laryngectomy or not. I did not know if she was comfortable talking about it. I had a lot of questions I wanted to ask her, but I was afraid of offending her or making her feel uncomfortable. I also had a hard time dealing with the sound of her voice. I would see her talking to the other women and I remember thinking how can they talk and laugh with her? She sounds like a computer!

Barb: See, my fears were confirmed.

KATIE: So, Jan, how did you two get to be such good friends.

Jan: Well, it just so happened that the Woman’s Club was having a silent auction, and we both were assigned to the same committee. I had to really start talking to her; not just chit-chat, but a real conversation. We started working together on the committee and I started to see that she was really a great lady. She was not much different than I was.

KATIE: Jan what would you tell others who may come into contact with a laryngecomtee now?

Jan: Well, I would tell others to introduce themselves and make friends with them. Laryngectomees are just like us; they have the same needs and desires that we do. After having the surgery, they are insecure enough, they do not need us to act squeemish and be judgemental around them.

Barb: Definitely!! I have talked to a lot of other laryngectomees and we all have fears about going into the community and meeting new people. I definitely would encourage everyone to try to continue their lives as much as possible, and to meet new people. Becoming friends with Jan really helped me too. Before I met her, I felt so out of place, not only at the meetings, but in pubic. I felt like I was back in elementary and it was my first day at a new school. Everyone talked and laughed with each other, but no one wanted to talk to me. When I met Jan, though, it was like a boost of confidence. I saw that I could meet people and that not everyone was going to see me as a laryngectomee. A few special people would try to see me as the woman that I am.

KATIE: Anything you would like to add, Barb??

Barb: I would just like to tell the viewers to stay away from cigarettes and alcohol. If you smoke, stop smoking. If you drink, quit drinking, or at least cut back. My story is another good reason why you should think twice before lighting up.

KATIE: Barbara and Jan, thank you so much for joining us today. Your story was so compelling. I am glad you are a survivor.

After the commercial break, we'll visit with our next guest, Joe Williams. He too, is a survivor of Head & Neck Cancer.